Disclaimer: I enjoy the happy times, but I write ten times better when I'm sad or in my feelings... I wonder is this how artist feel.
"There's beauty in the struggle." -- J. Cole
So much as changed over the past three months....
August was overwhelming.
I went on a girl’s trip to Costa Rica, fully embracing my 'hot girl' mode. It was amazing to see the girls and enjoy the beautiful scenery, especially the volcanoes and our villa. However, due to the extreme heat (even worse than Houston), the abundance of nature, and overwhelming wildlife, I don't have a desire to visit again.
Fast forward 2 weeks to my birthday olympics which involved a last minute Fashion Nova order, bday photoshoot, and preparing for my first solo trip. Then the night before my solo trip I overdid it by going to the Future & Metro concert, smh never again.
On the bright side, Chicago was a beautiful experience, and I'm officially 29.
September was emotionally intense and somewhat mentally exhausting due to unexpected changes, and adapting to change is an ongoing challenge for me.
My best friend in Houston told me on short notice that she was moving back to North Carolina in less than two weeks, which triggered a solo crying episode as feelings of loneliness set in.
The following weekend my bartending job abruptly ended when the city shut down the bar due to ongoing violations (yes it was a Black-owned establishment). Earlier this year, I had planned to quit by my birthday, but I decided to deferred that decision until next summer. God works in mysterious ways. Just two weeks after my birthday, that chapter unexpectedly closed. I briefly considered finding another bartending job since I wasn’t prepared for it to end, but after an emotional moment, I realized that everything happens for a reason. I believe God removed me from that environment because he knew I wouldn’t leave on my own, and there’s a greater purpose for me beyond serving lemon drops.
During the initial two weeks of adapting to my new reality, the sense of isolation grew, and my relationship with my momma declined again. Throughout September, it seemed like I was in tears every other day over something.
I'm feeling lonely and craving human interaction, yet hesitate to create my own community due to my dislike for people and the considerable time, energy, and financial investment required to make new friends.
I miss my NC friends, especially my everyday bestie. Our communication has decreased due to her busy schedule and focus on a new male friend. Then, I hesitate to reach out to the rest of my crew, fearing I may be a burden. I feel like everyone else has a dependable support system, while I lack that. People fail to mention that loneliness is apart of moving further away.
Since December 2023, my mother and I have ongoing conflict about the same matter. Although she is a great mother and I miss her, I made it clear that unless we resolved our differences, I wasn't coming home for the holidays.
Lastly, my feelings towards my family was nagging at me. After watching the interview between Dr. Bryant and B. Simone, the tears flowed uncontrollably, almost as if "Cry Me A River" by Justin Timberlake should've been playing in the background. Although I comprehended on a psychological level that my family was unlikely to change, my heart struggled to accept this reality.
I'm tapped out and exhausted after this month, but I founded the strength to start a realistic morning routine and expressed my desire for community in my debut YouTube video. Perhaps, just perhaps, October will bring a brighter outlook.
Currently
I've enjoyed six weeks of not working so much. This break was much needed but I am applying for remote part-time jobs. I need to financially plan for my upcoming 30th birthday trip to Bali (fingers crossed) and take care of some matters before my lease expires. I aim to make the most of my final hot girl summer in Chicago or Houston, depending on how things unfold.
My mom and I reconciled for the third time this year. I usually keep my feelings to myself to avoid hurting her, which is ironic because she raised me to express myself and always provides a safe space for me to do so. Instead of being avoidant like my father, I fully opened up this time, leading to a heartfelt conversation that cleared the air. I hope we can avoid any future conflicts for a while.
After watching the interview, I embraced radical acceptance, letting go of expectations for my family. Their actions and opinions no longer trigger me. Nevertheless, forgiving them for their past actions is a difficult task that I will address at a later date.
I intend to return home for Christmas, depending on certain factors, and if it's meant to happen, everything will fall into place.
For the past 32 days, I have been faithfully adhering to my new morning regimen. This routine includes expressing gratitude and listening to self-help audiobooks. By looking within, I've been able to let go and embrace the present phase of my life. Furthermore, with the extra time I've acquired, I've dedicated myself to content creation, leading to a different level of happiness. I am curious about the potential results if I continue to stay dedicated this time. Only time and consistency will reveal the outcome.
The summer glow-up was cute, but the first quarter of chapter 29 is giving "There's beauty in the struggle, ugliness in the success." Kim K. was definitely on to something when she said "I didn't come this far just to come this far and not be happy, Remember that!"
P.S: Anybody else experiencing signs of seasonal affective disorder. I've been sleeping more and not in the mood to do much. I'm going to be proactive and get my mental together this weekend.
-- J. Cole: Love Yours
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