Disclaimer: What I want and what you want are two different things. Also post election thoughts is coming next week.
"All I want is to love and be loved." --- Nicki Minaj
In my final year of my twenties, I'm focused on self improvement meaning improving my moodiness, enhancing my emotional expression, and overcoming my indecisiveness. Despite appearing detached and nonchalant due to my dismissive avoidance attachment style, deep down, I often feel emotional and cry. Megan wasn't lying when she said, "Sad little bitch, I be twerkin' and cryin'". Furthermore, my indecisiveness leads me to avoid making important decisions that involve emotions I prefer not to confront at the moment.
My dating life has been affected by this aspect of my personality. I consciously steer clear of discussions about dating and anything romantic (hence why I seldomly posts about someone's son anymore) as a means of dealing with specific emotions and avoiding the truth about my aspirations for my future self, instead of remaining indecisive.
Recently, I made significant progress by writing a journal entry about my fundamental belief in love. I am now in a position to share my journey openly. Although being honest and vulnerable felt unfamiliar, I reached a point where I needed to be for real with myself...
What do I want? That’s the million dollar question.
If I could have whatever I want without fear being a factor, I would be dating my forever person for a year or two. We would travel, enjoy good food, have great sex, and make great memories. He would grant me access to the soft boss babe life where he’s a provider, protector, and other things from my husband list.
Side note: It's very important that he allows me to be myself and I give him the space to be himself. Hopefully, we're both able to work remotely or be entrepreneurs so traveling and enjoying life isn't a challenge.
Then we’d get engage by a body of water or a plethora of flowers, and have a private ceremony with just us and maybe our parents. I want an engagement party and plan to reveal we're already married as well as ask my bridesmaids to be apart of the wedding and give guest their save the date invites. I’ll enjoy the traditional events leading up to a formal ceremony including a bridal shower, bachelorette party, and cake taste. Then for the big day I’ll get married in Punta Cana or St. Thomas.
Later on I’ll have a baby. I want a gender reveal party and lion king theme baby shower. I want a doula and at home birth. I would also plan a sip and see a few weeks after giving birth and I want a fire ass push gift. My age and first pregnancy experience will determine if I’ll proceed with having one more or get my tubes tied. After the sip and see event I’ll drop some dramatic tea on social media. The first picture would be my husband hands interlocked with mine around my belly and showcasing my fat ass diamond ring. This picture would reveal I’m married and expecting. Then I may or may not show pictures from the wedding and baby shower. I want this moment of my life to be private until I feel ready to start and maybe I'll be like J. Cole, Lauren London, etc. and never share that part of my life publicly.
After years of uncertainty it seems like I’m sure of what I want, but the mystery remains if I’ll get what I truly want. I don’t want to navigate life alone and this season of loneliness has taught me that, but I don’t want to lose myself in a relationship either. I love and admire how Ashanti, Nicki M., & Rihanna excelled in their careers and other business ventures, then they settled down and embraced being a mompreneur. I often see myself as Ashanti and Nicki M. where I prioritize myself and career then I join the wifey club during my late 30's or early 40's. The switch from the rich auntie to a spoiled wife and mompreneur is giving Ashanti vibes lol. I can see my husband telling me “my baby is having my baby.” I can also see my dad, momma, and uncle arguing about who’s going to walk me down the aisle.
I don’t know if what I want is what God has planned for me or maybe just maybe God has been waiting on me to be honest and serious about what I want. What if I really ask for what I want, continue to work on myself, and God gives me what I want plus more. What if everything I’m scared of is the very thing that will fulfill certain areas of my life. What if the life I envision for the 30’s is as simple as ask and you shall receive.
For the first time in a few years this moment of honesty made me tear up but it showed me everything I want is possible and all I have to do is ask, keep working on being a better version of myself, block out other people’s opinion, and rely on God to do the rest.
Something about turning 29 has turned me into a real crybaby and I was crying as I was writing this. As much as I despise tears and view it as a sign of weakness I must admit it felt good to cry and not hold in how I've been feeling.
I'm not perfect and I'm not sure what the future holds but God knows my heart and what's for me wouldn't pass by me.
Cheers to black love and continuing the journey of becoming my dream girl.
"Got my top dropped on this beautiful night
This beautiful night to live my beautiful life
Pain hurts like a cut from a beautiful knife
Just know she right here on my hip, my beautiful wife"
--- Jeezy: Unforgettable
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