Disclaimer: It’s okay to have opinions. It’s even okay if you state your opinion in certain situations, but you have to hold yourself accountable for the shit you say and be prepared for the outcome.
“A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.”
As an adult I’ve struggled with setting boundaries with people which is one of main reasons why I ended up in therapy. Lack of boundaries turned into unwarranted opinions and one-sided relationships. Thanks to therapy and life experiences I’ve learned the importance of boundaries.
However, one boundary I didn’t know I needed to set became clear to me in 2020 when I had a tiff with 2 of my childhood best friends regarding my dating life and choices. In my friends defense they care about me a lot, but there’s a thin line between caring and wanting better for your friend vs. trying to tell them how to handle their nigga.
Here’s a few things to keep in mind before you speak on your friend’s relationship
Did she ask for advice? In most situations I’ve been in or observed the girl in the relationship wasn’t asking for advice. She was venting which became the gateway for the friend to say how she felt when she didn’t ask you. Unless she directly asks what you think, don't state your opinion. All my friends know I’m forever team leave him sis, but until you ask me I’m not going to tell you shit. I’m going to listen and support whatever you decide to do.
You're on the outside looking in. Yes she confided in you about her relationship woes but you still don’t know the whole story. I remember when one of my bff had some shit to say about my ex and I had to remind her that she’s never met him. Although me and him was going through it she didn’t know enough about him outside of what I’ve said to judge and assume that he wasn’t good enough for me.
You and your friend(s) don’t have the same dating style and beliefs. I like hood niggas and some of my friends don’t, that doesn’t mean I should stop dating these type of men. 3 of my bffs believe in living with niggas and I don’t. That doesn’t mean when they move in with somebody that I shouldn’t go visit her or judge her for doing that.
Speaking of judging somebody, ask yourself are you really concerned or are you being judgy? If you’ve been in the same or similar situation before, how dare you come at her like that. I can’t stand bitches who be on bullshit too, but got some shit to say when it is you. For example, how you can take your nigga back from cheating but I can’t. Now you want to call me a stupid ass bitch umph. Make it make sense sis. It’s great when you stop dealing with certain shit, but you have to understand that your friend may not be at that level yet. Another example is one of my besties be in love with somebody new every few weeks and she knows I’m not going to judge her when she calls me. If anything I will be like “ Girl who are you in love with this week lol.”
You can’t do for your friend what that man is doing. This may seem shallow to some people, but the reality is you’re not fucking her. You're not paying her bills. You’re not courting her. You’re not making her feel the way that nigga is making her feel, period. One of my bff spoke her unsolicited opinion on out of state bae, but sis isn’t fucking me and she damn sure isn’t blowing a bag on me like he is.
She’s staying because she wants to. Contrary to what most people think bitches aren’t dumb and they’re sticking beside him for a reason whether it be the money, sex, the kids, etc. I’ve definitely stayed in certain relationships/situations knowing it was time to end things but I wasn’t ready to let go yet. The process of leaving a nigga or knowing when you can’t take his shit anymore is different for everybody. Everybody hated one of my college boyfriends because he was always cheating on me, but I left when I was tired of his shit.
Are you prepared to create an atmosphere where she’ll comment on your dating life too. What really blew me about my 2 bffs speaking on my dating life was if I would’ve said something to them about their nigga they would’ve be offended. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. I could’ve hurt their feelings if I started talking shit about their exes and relationships choices, but I’m no longer a tic for tac person anymore.
If you're single, are you prepared to be labeled a hater? Unfortunately when you don’t have a man some females feel like you can’t give them relationship advice. I’ve been labeled the hating ass friend before, and her man definitely made me out to be the scapegoat to their relationship issues, and made her think I didn’t want her to be happy. A few of my friendships have been on the rocks when I used to say how I felt about certain shit. Granted I learned my lesson and I haven’t spoken on any of their relationships since the college days.
Are you prepared to lose a friend? Yes, you may mean well but some bitches be ready to die or fall out with anybody over their nigga. Some bitches haven’t spoken to their family in years because of their relationship. Do you think she’ll give a damn about cutting your ass off. I truly hated one of my bff boyfriends, but I knew with her state of mind at the time that she’d pick her nigga and I wasn’t willing to lose my friend over my unsolicited opinion.
I said all this to say please think twice before you think it’s cool to talk shit about somebody else’s man even if what you're saying is the truth. On the other hand I do think if your friend is being abused it’s time to say something because she could die one day. But for the most part the shit bitches be going through with their nigga doesn’t require your opinion.
I would suggest if you're too opinionated and tired of hearing about her relationship issues, then you have a right to say that I love you as my friend but for the sake of this friendship it’s best that we limit how much we share about our dating lives. This type of statement is setting a healthy boundary. I literally had this type of conversation with one of my bffs earlier this year and that conversation went much better than me saying “girl your nigga ain’t shit.”
Outside of boundaries I learned that oversharing can be harmful instead of helpful. Unfortunately the more information you share the more opinionated and vocal your friend may be. Social media is a prime example of how oversharing always backfires. It’s important to recognize that some friends are too opinionated and you have to limit what you tell them. I regret telling one of my bffs certain shit about out of state bae. She started stating her thoughts on the situations and at one point I didn't think we'd get back cool. Now my mindset is to not tell her shit about him and maybe not bring up my dating life ever again until I'm engaged which is my way of keeping our friendship in a good place and avoiding unwarranted opinions and unnecessary conflict, because one thing about me I’m going to deal with a nigga how I want to.
To wrap it up I’ve learned that no matter what my friends decide to do I want all my homegirls and besties to know that I’m going to be there for them. I hate the “I told you so” ass bitches. I’d rather be silent and know when shit hits the fan (which it always does) that I'm going to be here and you can come to me for endless support and love. Heartbreak is a motherfucker, and I’d hate for my girls to go through it alone because they feel like I’m going to be judgmental or calling them stupid.
Setting boundaries and creating a certain level of privacy is the best way to have peace and separation between your romantic life and your homegirls. Season four of Insecure is a good example of how friendships started falling apart because of their unsolicited opinions of each other’s dating lives. Seriously ask yourself am why do I care so deep and am I willing to fall out with a friend over a nigga who ain’t my nigga?
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyways."
- Robert Downey Jr.
Check out a post from last year related to this topic.
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